I’m not an expert in this field, so I’d like to hear your thoughts on this dilemma.
How on earth do you make friends as an adult
Especially if you’re a parent.
I recently turned 35 and similar to the natural collagen in my face, my friendship pool is declining.
People say it is because I’m “never available… always busy… never home” etc.
Truthfully, I have become accustomed to my own company.
When the twins are in childcare, I relish a quiet day of writing, coffee or relaxing.
Some days though, you just want to get together with your friends without having to plan months in advance.
Top ways to make friends as a Mum
From my extensive research, these are the best ways to make friends:
- Join a group or club
- Learn a language or a new skill e.g. cooking class
- Join a gym or fitness class
- School Mum interactions – whether that be at childcare, prep, primary school etc.
- Online tools, such as Facebook groups
- The ‘Peanut App: Find Mum Friends’
The introvert in me would not have me do any of the above willingly.
The shame factor of not making a single friend is enough to have me crawl back into my wine bottle… I mean, shell.
But your kids go to childcare; what about other parents?
Tate and Levi have been in childcare for 8 months and I have barely spoken a word to other parents.
We prefer to drop off and pick up, rather than standing around discussing the tantrums you may have dealt with over the weekend.
I do know the names of most kids, as we recite them to and from care, but I’m not as familiar with faces.
During the centre’s Christmas party, the parents, educators and kids from all the different rooms came together.
It was a fantastic display of support, however, it was challenging to recognise who was with who.
So instead of mingling and introducing myself, I sat with the farm animals instead.
Raising a child takes a village – except when certain villagers are morons
While I’ve not encountered this, I often wonder – it’s hard enough for me to make friends; then there are single parents, parents of ethnicity, parents with cultural beliefs, non-binary parents or parents who have children with disabilities, learning or behavioural issues.
Unfortunately, we live in a world where there is a minority who are pigheaded, racist or judgmental.
It’s hard enough (I can only imagine) raising a child with ASD to then have a small percentage of people not want to be a part of your village.
If anything, these are the people you want to be friends with the most.
They teach you, inform you and humble you.
Parents Unite Against Toddler Bullying
I feel that what I’m missing is having a Mum friend who not only has kids of a similar age – I need a twin Mum friend.
Having twins is a little different than having a singleton and I’d love to have a twin parent to vent to!
Friendships come and go – but you certainly notice a difference after having kids.
If you had a baby during COVID like me, this caused even more introvertion.
Isolation for months on end, no groups where you could interact with other Mums.
It was the one time my social anxiety craved another human being experiencing something similar to myself.
Recently, I was at our local place centre and was chatting to a Mum who not only had twins, but our twins were in NICU in the same hospital ward at the same time.
You would think that that amount of association would lead to a friendship, right?
Oh no, I couldn’t get the courage to ask her if she wanted to meet up with our twins for a coffee.
It was like asking someone on a date. I’m no good with rejection.
I’d never had a proper date before MAFS.
Apparently, I’m still no good at asking people out on dates.
And I’m married!
I still couldn’t extend a Mum-date with a potential new friend.
Instead, I left and thought about the ‘what if’?
What if we became friends?
Maybe we’d have family holidays together….
Our children might even date in the future…
Yet, my anti-socialness ‘friend-blocked’ me.
Hi Liss. I really enjoyed watching you on MAFs and could relate to you massively. I am a socially anxious and naturally introverted 38 y.o. mum to a little boy on the spectrum. I have only recently found us “our people”, and that didn’t come without its hiccups and disappointments along the way. I want to encourage you to hang in there, and also, know that there are plenty of mums out there with similar feelings to your own. It’s very likely the mum you met at the play centre was thinking the same as you. I hope if you see her again and/or if another opportunity arises you can find the courage to “make the first move”. You’ll never know what could have been unless you give yourself that little push. x
Hey Liss!
I’ve just stumbled across your blog and damn, this is 110% what I feel too!
I’m a twin mumma to ID girls who are nearly 5. We had an extended NICU stay with one needing major cardiac surgery so my mum journey wasn’t really the same as most. I never had a mother’s group and I’ve always struggled to find other mums that get it! Twin life is hard, they get bigger but our challenges change. I also wish I had the village that we supposedly need but I don’t seem to have found it. In fairness, like you, when I have a spare moment I enjoy the peace and quiet from the tiny people that are now my life. We then also need to fit in work, maintaining your relationship, keeping your home running, trying to be a good friend for those that stuck around… the list goes one!
I hear you and feel you, you are not alone! You’re doing a damn good job, keep kicking goals mumma, us multi mumma’s are incredible.
If you ever want to chat/ vent to someone that gets it, let me know 🩷
Rochelle xx
I am older than you being 53 and my twins are 19 this year but I so relate. I have friends but we hardly go out or catch up and I’m always at home with my husband (which is fine). A chat or catch with a friend is just so different. I am always here if you want a chat and and I am in Melbourne if you want a catch up please reach out to me and I can give you my number.
I can relate to you so much and you are a beautiful soul.
Very relatable! As a working mum i only have so much energy. When i put all of that energy into work, my partner and 2 year old son its hard to catch up with friends! As a result i don’t have many mum friends with children around the same age. Maybe just one! I’m in carrum downs and always happy to chat about anything toddler related ! X
Thank you Emma. And I totally hear you! A chat would be lovely 🙂
I have 9 month old twins and from Traralgon, been through months of NICU/SCN as premmies, lack of support/ “village”. Lots of family/ friends say they would help out but came once, or not at all, and haven’t seen them since. It’s also hard because we are the last ones to have kids, whereas before we were always the ones to go hang out with friend’s kids etc
I can 100% relate to your story. In the end I have just resided to the fact I will stay at home (pretty much 24/7) and not be able to do anything for a long time.
It is extremely difficult in your 40’s & 50’s especially when you are divorced. Female friends then see you as a threat to their marriages/relationships.
After being the one to consistently put the effort in my friendships i took a step back & just waited to see what would happen to the friendship. Did they put the effort in? The answer was NO.
I would rather have no friends then fake friends.
I have move towns, worked in new places & joined groups.
I am totally ok with no friends. I have a small family circle & that is what fills my cup.
Especially my adult son💙
No friends over fake friends – yes! And I love that your son is your friend. I feel the same about my Mum and sister x
So relatable! Having my first baby during Covid definitely impacted my ability to make mum friends. The isolation of lockdown made me even more introverted. When we were finally out of the lockdowns the anxiety of play centres and playgrounds kept me from enjoying my time with my child.
The shift in friends is also challenging when I only had a few to begin with and now that I have kids and they don’t we barely see each other. I feel lost and lonely but also scared to try and make new friends because what if they aren’t interested?
Everything you wrote here – I felt exactly the same during/after lockdowns xx
Always happy to drink wine, and I’m also on the Peninsula! I struggle to make friends at times too but do have a few core girlfriends who I cherish… life just gets in the way. I have a 4yr old, 3yr old and 17mth twins so I totally get it.
Thank you for your honesty!
You are truly a super Mum! x
Oh Mel, I definitely feel this on so many levels I have older Singletons ranging from 11-20 years old and have 2yo twins the isolation I feel is insane, like you on the days they are at childcare I like my own company and just having time to breath, however I feel the loneliness especially on days when it’s just me and the boys, most of our friends have older kids and the sparse few that do have similar age kids are Only children so the parents often look at me like I’m raising a pack of wild animals when we are discussing what our toddlers are up to. I’m in NSW otherwise I’d definitely take you up on a play date, hopefully We will find out people ❤️P.a have you thought of joint your local multiple association? Unfortunately I couldn’t gel with anyone at my local, but might be an option if you haven’t already tried
I absolutely hear you. Thank you so much, I’ll look into it x