Trigger warning: discussion about intrusive and suicidal thoughts. Please do not read this post if you are feeling vulnerable. Contact Lifeline (Australia), Lifeline (NZ) or NHS (UK).

5am Saturday

Bryce and I were having one of our regular marital fights about who was the one to cause us to run late.

This particular Saturday morning, our seemingly minuscule blow-up nearly pushed me over the edge.

Formula One x OnlyFans invitation

We were heading to the Formula One (F1) in Melbourne.

My husband was invited to attend and collaborate as a passenger for a hot lap in a beautiful Audi R8 with the incredible Renee Gracie.

Cars and ‘revheads’ weren’t of interest to me though and I didn’t want to go.

I didn’t tell Bryce this.

Of course though, when you’re married, you generally do everything as a pair.

I just expected he’d remember I’m unapproachable before 7am unless it’s for the twins.

We also had no one to watch the twins, so they’d come along and I knew they’d be overstimulated all day.

The darkness

Driving up to the city, I sat silently in the passenger seat as the morning darkness shielded the tears streaming down my face.

I was broken.

I have been in a dark hole for a long time and my thoughts were only getting darker.

I pulled my phone out to Google ‘nearest mental health facility in Melbourne’.

I’d get myself checked in by nightfall.

There has been a lot going on in our personal lives in this short year already.

No more than anyone else’s daily struggles I’m sure and I know so many others are worse off.

But admitting my mental illness (even admitting that I have such a thing, something that seems so common now) has me finding even the generic daily tasks difficult.

My job, MAFS airing (new Aussie season) and some other heavy issues are my current and frequent triggers.

And on this morning, my intrusive thoughts became too descriptive.

No – I would never do anything to myself.

My thoughts are intrusive, but I’m not suicidal.

My babies are everything I live for.

But even they can’t stop the thoughts;

“They’re still young enough to easily forget me…”

I recognise that I am often having a ‘bad day’ or more likely, thinking collectively of all the negatives that are occurring.

I know I don’t have a terrible life.

I have a full and beautiful life.

I’m not delusional or ungrateful.

But suicidal thoughts can occur whenever you feel like your world is crumbling around you.

An offer too good to refuse

Arriving at the Formula One, Bryce did his hot lap and was beaming with energy.

He was passenger to driver Renee Gracie, a successful racing driver and OnlyFans model.

Before Bryce could tell me the details of his ride, Renee’s team approached me;

“Anthony Mundane hasn’t shown up for his hot lap with Renee, would you like to go out?”

Yes! I thought.

I am an adrenaline junkie at heart.

“Oh no, that’s okay, I’ve got the twins and they’ll get upset if I leave them…”

I also I thought, “oh god, what about the haters and what they’d say/write about me riding a hot lap in an OnlyFans car while I have my kids with me…“

Bryce said, “I’ve got the twins babe, go do it, you’ll love it…”

And bloody oath was he right.

The hot lap

Walking out on to track and being a passenger at speeds up to 300km/h was one of the best, most exhilarating, adrenaline-inducing things I have ever done.

It also made me realise, looking over at Renee’s speed at 246km/h, how easily something could go wrong on the road and I’d likely be obliterated.

And that scared me.

Watch the video here.

F1 vs Australian Open

A lighter note than the dark topics discussed above:

We’ve been fortunate enough to be invited to both the F1 and Australian Open (AO).

If you’re choosing an event to take the family to next year, and the purse strings are tight, take the kids to the F1.

I promise you whole-heartedly, you will not be disappointed.

We love the tennis and try to go every year, it is truly a fun day out.

But the F1 was so much better.

I loved that it was so educational and variety of stalls.

Obviously mostly about cars, but every TAFE and Univerisity that comes to mind was there.

Chemist Warehouse, Indomi Noodles, Paramount Plus, Supercheap Auto, MECCA, Food Trucks, The Australian Army, Victoria Police, CFA and SES all had tents with cool setups, giveaways and fun activities that attracted many.

And this will likely surprise you but what I thought was great was the fact that there were only a few bars.

Granted, they were extremely long bars with dozens of servers so you’d never be short of getting a drink.

But the point being, they were surprisingly minimal.

I felt at the AO this year, there were so many bars and alcohol stands.

It was too much choice in terms of alcohol (especially if you’re not a drinker) and not nearly as much food available.

I was genuinely flabbergasted at how well done the F1 was and really enjoyed the day.

“My name is Liss and I am now officially a revhead.”

I will note, that I was the one that was overstimulated from the day; not the twins.

I hadn’t noticed until leaving that I’d been clenching my jaw so tight it ached.

The noise of the cars, the helicopters, the people, the music, it was extremely overwhelming.

Thankfully, the F1 had sensory rooms where you could chill out if needed.

Next time, I’ll just bring a bottle of wine and some sturdy earmuffs.

Headed home on a high

I had so much adrenaline and I’d not stopped smiling all day.

It was one of the best mornings I’ve had in a long time.

Renee and her team would have no idea that this kind, fun offer (also a special thanks to Anthony Mundine for not showing up to allow me such fun) turned my intrusive thoughts and sad output into excitement, happiness and wishful future-hobby-related thoughts.

I’m now in training to be a race car driver

Just kidding… I’d stall the car reversing out of the garage.

I might go go-karting a bit more though.

But what is important to note here is:

The smallest gesture,

The simplest offering,

A genuine kindness,

An amazing and once in a lifetime opportunity that I would’ve never taken had my husband not encouraged me or,

Someone simply offering to help in that exact moment I needed it…

You may just never know you’ve made someone’s day – or their life.

And while I still have a tonne of shit to deal with in my head, and I know I’ll have my intrusive thoughts again, I will remember my hot lap moment, the happiness I felt and the amazing day I had with my family.

Taking each day, day by day.