The first time I saw my sons after their birth was just before midnight on October 16^th.

They were whisked away while I was cleaned up and showered.

Do you remember the first time you saw your body in the mirror after giving birth? I thought my tummy would just snap back. Oh no! Here’s mine:

I felt pretty good considering I had just pushed two humans out of my vagina. 

I dressed while a nurse tended to the not one, but four, injection sites from my epidural, unbeknownst to me.

I then made the slow shuffle in to see my babies. 

When I stepped into the prep room swirling with medical staff, my heart shattered. 

I saw my babies up close and in detail for the first time.

They were tiny, fragile and helpless.

1kg in weight.

Their skin was sticky, they had no hair, eyelashes, and were so skinny and small that they easily fit into the palm of Bryce’s hand. 

They had also been sedated and intubated for transport.

At that moment, I knew how selfish it was of me to have been excited they were born early. They should have still been in my tummy for weeks; safe, growing and healthier. 

I held each of their tiny hands, no bigger than the tip of my index finger, while the team prepared them for transport in the humidicribs via the PIPER ambulance.

And as they were wheeled out of view, I sobbed hysterically. 

I didn’t get the chance to have that physical bonding moment many parents get after having a baby. 

Levi and Tate’s first night in the world should have been spent in my arms. Instead, they were inside a machine that took them away from me.

The twins were taken to a hospital an hour from home, where they stayed for the next six weeks, before eventually moving back to Frankston.

We made that trip nearly every single day to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) at the Mercy Hospital for Women.

If you’ve never been inside a NICU ward, picture this;

Tiny babies in humidicribs/incubators everywhere – around 50 babies at any given time.The sounds of the cots beeping, alarms blaring when oxygen levels of tiny lungs plummet, babies crying when doctors performed a horrific-looking eye examination or took blood from a baby that weighed less than 1000g. 

Parents sitting bedside, having kangaroo cuddles or holding a vigil as their baby fought for their life inside a plastic box. 

Without going into every detail of what happened over those seven weeks, here’s the standout points:

The twins spent a significant amount of time in NICU as they had frequent bradycardic episodes. They often went from using oxygen (with a mask) to air-flow (nose prongs)and back as needed.  

They had regular blood tests; a needle puncturing the heel of their foot and squeezed to draw blood. 

They had IVs that were as long as their arms.

The eye examination performed on very low birth rate babies, like the twins, uses a speculum to hold their eyes open. While they were in no physical pain, it would have been very uncomfortable. I was so weak in that moment, I had to cover my ears because their little cries and screams were too hard to bare.  

Levi was diagnosed with a Sub Arachnoid Haemorrhage, better known as a brain bleed – I thought the worst. Thankfully, it corrected itself over time.

A gastric tube was fed down their stomachs to provide their milk/formula in the first month.

Both twins were jaundiced. They spent over a week receiving Phototherapy to remove the excess bilirubin from their blood.

Personally, I found it difficult in the first few days to connect with them. Not because I didn’t love them or want them. The hormones after birth and emotions from the extensive hospital stay the twins faced were difficult to process. Going home alone without them was nearly unbearable. I was also scared I would not be enough or strong enough for them.

It took two days after the twins arrived at the Mercy for me to hold them individually.

It was two weeks before I was able to have a twin cuddle. 

Breastfeeding and expressing (colostrum or milk) was uncomfortable and physically demanding.

I attempted several times at the behest of the nurses to breastfeed once the twins reached a healthy weight in the Special Care Nursery (SCN).

I felt pressured to breastfeed, and on certain occasions, I could do it with the assistance of staff.

I recall one day where I sat with a twin for 45 minutes and he barely latched the whole time.

We often used donor milk as I wasn’t producing enough for even one baby. Also, the blocked ducts were excruciating.

Overall, breastfeeding is a choice. One I personally did not enjoy at any stage, nor felt that ‘bond’ while breastfeeding. I wish I could have stuck with it. But twins are hard enough. I felt more comfortable and happy to express and bottle feed. 

Two years later

Looking at Levi and Tate now, you would never know they were premature babies – although they are very small physically, and developmentally they are hitting their targets. Sometimes, things do take a little bit longer, like walking and talking.

Having premature babies was a traumatic experience moreso after the birth, than the actual birth itself.

I could not be more grateful to the hospital staff from both Frankston and Mercy who helped deliver and care for my boys when I couldn’t. 

Also charities and foundations such as the Miracle Babies Foundation, offer support programs, research, advocacy, raises funds for hospitals and promotes awareness. If they didn’t, hospitals wouldn’t be able to afford equipment such as incubators.

According to an ABC article back in 2020, a humidcrib/incubator costs upwards of $30,000. That price as only increased in the current climate.

While this was a quick summary of nearly two months of stress, anxiety and sadness, the twins are now thriving.

They are two years old, healthy, happy and very cheeky! I and they somehow made it through. But not everyone leaves the hospital with their baby. 

That is why I will continue to champion for all sick and premature babies and encourage you and others to do so, because if we don’t, who will? 

Miracle Babies Foundations are always looking for volunteers, donations and support. Check out their website for more info: https://www.miraclebabies.org.au

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