It is common now, more than ever, for people to speak openly about sex.
Whether it be a preferred toy, position, or who’s recently joined Only Fans – social media is a buzz with sexual exploits.
As fantastic as the taboo of sexual discussions is shifting to a more positive stance, I do wonder; does it depend on the individual that makes it acceptable?
Let’s compare the pair
Abbie Chatfield is a well-known, successful, sexually empowered woman.
She is confident and famous for her candidness about sexual positivity.
Abbie has never shied away from eye-bulging sexual content on her podcast or in conversation with her fans on social media.
Many women look up to her for this reason as she is transparent and raw.
I honestly admire her for being so open and honest, no matter what the topic is.
Could I speak so candidly?
And then there’s myself:
I’m a married 35-year-old woman with two-year-old twins (I might as well be 95!).
I work full time for a government business and my Instagram is perceived as generic family life updates – when I have the energy for social media, that is.
You’ve likely never heard me talk about my sex life or anything remotely sexual on my social media.
While I’m an open book in all aspects of my busy life, this is one topic I’ve never elaborated.
Why?
- Friends and family that follow me and read my content.
- My workplace.
- It’s not considered my ‘niche’.
- It might make people feel uncomfortable.
It’s on the internet… forever…
The truth is, I’m thinking ahead to the future.
What if I said or wrote something so widely inappropriate that my twins or their friends potentially stumbled across it on the internet in the many, many years to come?
Should I feel ashamed they could find something that might make things awkward for them?
Or is it a matter of the times are changing and more needs to be done to educate our teenage and adult children on positive sexual topics? (of course, when the time is right for each family).
Is it inappropriate for a Mum to talk about her sexual positivity, or in my case, lack thereof?
I’m not saying I’m about to launch my Only Fans page – but honestly, how many women have been slammed online for starting an OF?
I refer you to the IG post I recently made on Her Second Shift’s page.
I asked my followers if they had felt any of these feelings and if it had impacted their relationships:
I didn’t get a huge open response and again, I feel that is the stigma talking.
I can openly admit my personal three:
- Being ‘touched out’,
- My libido/sex drive is lower these days than before kids
- I’m ‘tired after the day’
…I shame myself.
It is so hard as a Mum to not feel exhausted all of the time and ‘not be up for it’.
My husband has never, ever shamed me or disrespected me in any way for feeling touched out or not wanting ‘it’.
Instead, I shame myself.
While some are still uncomfortable, many are celebrating the growth in openess on sexual positivity.
It’s certainly great if you are young, single and confident.
But what about all of us Mummas who struggle with even hugging our partner some days on top of the low libido and tiredness?
Where or what is the term for this? ‘Sexual I’m-So-Fxxking-Exhausted?‘
I have people telling me online almost daily how to raise my children and what I should or should not be doing.
Imagine if I started talking about Abbie Chatfield’s new sex toy from It’s Normal?
Or, what if I told you about the several sex toy companies that have reached out to collaborate with myself over the years?
I turned each and everyone down.
Sure, the money would have been fantastic – but I’d be crucified online.
I also had a person in the media say that it wouldn’t be a good look for me to be promoting a sex toy when I was married to Bryce – as it could be misconstrued as ‘there’s something wrong in our relationship…’
Absurd and not at all true.
Representation needed for all the tired Mums
Back to the comparison:
I’m a little jealous of Abbie for being about to put her whole self out there, no sh!ts given and encourage a generation of women to be sexually proud.
But what about women like me?
Where is the woman that represents Mums like myself? Someone I can look up to and make me feel better that I am not a young, sexual being?
Where is my tired, low-libido, ‘I-have-a-headache’ goddess at?
If you’ve made it to the end here – thanks for sticking with me. If this topic made you feel uncomfortable in any way – that’s a good thing! Not everything is easy to talk about. And that’s why this discussion needs to be had.
Are you comfortable with people being open about their sexual positivity?
Do you think it’s too much?
Comment below and let me know your thoughts.
Hi Liss, fellow twin here. I found myself getting “touched out” very early in motherhood, to the point of sleeping in the spare room just to be on my own for an extended period. Fast forward 8 years and I still sleep in the spare room as I crave that alone time. Other people are horrified when I tell them. My husband would also prefer to have me in bed with him. But I don’t care! I prioritize good sex once a week or so to keep our intimacy and connection going. Our marriage is great but we have peaks and troughs. If I knew how hard raising children was going to be in all honesty I wouldn’t have had kids and just enjoyed being married. But this is my life now and I try appreciate how truly lucky I am.
Lee – you have literally read my mind! x
Hey Melissa
I really felt a need to comment on this. First I must say it did not make me uncomfortable at all.
I felt you articulated what so many women go through brilliantly.
You have addressed the conversation that has really never been had. And I say you go girl!!!
About me…
I am 57 , post menopausal, mother of 3, grandmother of 2.
I feel like I have been from Abbey to you and back again!
Whether it has been openly discussed or not it is a story as old as time.
Let’s face it, if you didn’t eventually get your mojo back everyone would be an only child. But, as I say to pregnant women I encounter “making a person is hard work “.
And whether you breastfeed or not sustaining a baby is also hard work. Especially when you add lack of sleep!!
I totally got what you said about shaming yourself. I also had a partner that was understanding. During my pregnancies and breastfeeding days I would say “I just want my body back!!” And he got it. He was so very supportive.
In your case, OMG !!!! You have freaking twins girl!!!! Seriously, you could not be blamed at all for being all aware of what causes that !!
I had my children when I was young. 3 by 25. And by 26 I was wondering where I was on the whole sexuality scale.
But the mojo comes back 😊
And as long as you and your partner are communicating and enjoying your kids then for now, eh.
Right now you are building a family.
It gets to a point where, it’s about the love and commitment.
And really, that’s what those putting it out there are really looking for.
❤️
Thank you Linda for sharing such an amazing insight that we all feelm to some degree. Being a Mum is hard work and all we really need is to be recognised that we are not the young, sexual beings we once were after kids. Our bodies go through such huge adjustments with hormones and if you are lucky enough, you find the drive again one day soon x
I should also add I don’t think that openness needs to be online, I think have open discussions with your partners and friends and then teaching your children these things are the grow into an age of understanding is just as, if not more valid.
I personally think everyone should be opening up about sexual positivity, providing they feel comfortable too. That doesn’t mean they have to go into great details about it and that’s entirely up to the individual. But I think the topic of sex, body confidence/shaming, and being human are all linked and all important. I think it’s important that people learn that all bodies are normal bodies, I think it’s important people learn that sometimes you can be really in the mood and that’s okay and sometimes you can be really not in the mood which is also okay and both are pretty normal for all people to feel at times. I think people need to learn it’s not always clean and sexy like in the movies and that you don’t always both climax, that it’s okay to change you mind and stop having sex at any point. But I do also think as you say it’s completely justified for people to want to keep their private lives private, to be cautious about what they put out there, like you say once it’s there it’s always there. And I can completely understand that you have had so many people have a say on your life that actually putting that sort of information out there could be the last thing you want to do. And I think the world needs reminding that it’s a personal choice about how open any individual wants to be about it, all options are okay. X